I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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