we're blogging at a bar
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
