i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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