The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
