I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
