god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
