Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
