I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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