I can tuck mytits in my pants
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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