ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
