The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
