Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
