I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
