I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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