I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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