P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize