I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Houston, we have a blender
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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