I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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