I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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