So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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