I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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