____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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