I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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