Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
