bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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