At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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