He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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