I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
