some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
