Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
