I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
