Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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