I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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