Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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