My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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