This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
