please come you make the beer taste better
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
