went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
