You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize