Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
