You kept calling me your small dog last night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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