I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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