Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
