oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
