I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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