u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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