Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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