If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
