Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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