Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
