I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
how drunk are you?
Several
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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