Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sext me about skeletons
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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