I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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