I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
