Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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