I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
