Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Terrible idea I love it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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