I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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