i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
