good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
